Honking and Hoping

“Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right.” -Max Lucado

Tonight I had a group of girls with me after FCA to go to Taco Bell for 4th meal (or first meal for me- i was soooo hungry). I got to the drive-thru and told the woman “I have 5 orders” and she was like, I’m sorry, I can only take two at a time. So we placed two orders for three girls, combining an order and then I said I’d just drive back around. On our way back around there was a man in an oversized white truck trying to cut in the drive-thru line ahead of me, and WITH MY CHRISTIAN MUSIC ON in the background, I kept inching forward. He got ahead of me anyway and I annoyingly honked, but flagged him through and we made awkward eye contact. He looked like he had probably had a rough day, a white male in his late 30’s with dark hair and bags under his eyes, honestly coming across as harsh and unfriendly. The girls in the car were like, just let him go, it’s just taco bell, whatever. And that made me think…. “Ya’ll, what if this is one of those things where he does a random act of kindness and pays for our food? What if he’s sent here from God to test me? What if HE IS Jesus?” My friends chuckled at my quick flip of emotions from honking to hopeful… “doubt it, there’s no telling what he has in that truck or what he’s going through (true) he probably isn’t thinking about anything other than getting through that Taco Bell line as quick as possible.” Well, the conversation quickly turned to other random girl talk, my roommates wedding, our FCA meeting, class tomorrow, etc. When we got to the pick-up window to pay, the lady at the window said “oh, and I just wanted to let you know that the gentleman in front of you paid for cinnamon twist for you” I had chills. It wasn’t a large act, but it was an act, and the whole car was like, oh my goodness, Kaitlin, you called it.

But it’s not about the cinnamon twist. It’s not about the random act of kindness or even how maybe he thought this was being fair or even since I let him in front of me. It’s about doubting him, and then about having faith.

Faith is something that I rarely TRULY think about. I hear the word so often, and use it on so many occasions that I have ceased to remember what it actually means. I dictionary.com’d it and found these results

faith
1.confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability.
2.belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3.belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4.belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someoneconcerning honesty.
5.a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.

I came to a big realization tonight. It took God putting this man in front of me at Taco Bell to open my eyes to the idea of faith. My whole life I have thought of myself as “average.” I was never a bad kid, but I wasn’t the best kid either. I didn’t really push myself to stand out from the crowd. I concentrated heavily on just fitting in. On just being comfortable. On doing what was easy. I dreamed big as a child, but when my dreams stopped coming true and the pain associated with entering middle school, boys, appearance, etc started setting in as I grew up I stopped expecting people to do nice things for me, I mean, why would they anyway? I was just me. I wasn’t anything special. This man tonight brought to my attention that I had lost the ability to trust, I lost confidence in other people because I expected to just be let down.

But that’s just the thing. I’m going to be let down. PEOPLE are going to let me down. God is not going to let me down. I have FAITH in God, I have faith in Jesus Christ, my savior, who was crucified and died for the sins of the world. The whole world. This man in this truck SURPRISED me tonight. He reminded me that it is okay to seek the good, not to be naive or foolish, but to be reminded just about one word. Faith. If I have faith in The Lord, than the Lord will provide. In Hebrews 11 the chapter is titled “By Faith” – Hebrews 11:1 ESV reads “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

In having faith I can rest assured that Jesus Christ is indeed my savior, and that this is the truth for ME. I can stand confidently and proclaim this without hesitation. I can have trust and hope and confidence in my friends, in my mentors, in my professors, my parents, etc. But I have FAITH in Jesus Christ. Because Jesus is the one who is giving me eternal life. While I am here on this earth I can only strive to further God’s kingdom, to glorify him and to live a Christlike life to the best of my ability. I will stumble and I will fall short. The people around me will let me down. This is not to be cynical, but to be true. There are good people in this world, but my God in Heaven is greater. I have faith in that.

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Letting Go

So, I feel as if sometimes when I talk I detach myself from my words. I ramble. I get caught up in details because the big picture seems just so, well, big.

In the past few years I have become accustomed to just “going through the motions.” I had to do what I had to do to get by, to advance. I merely told stories by stating the facts, removing myself from any emotion that those facts may hold.

But facts DO hold emotion. I come back at the end of my days and I think about how many emotions I held in, and by that time my brain has become so tangled up that I am unsure of how to process and unravel the emotions that have occurred on a particular day. I am not a shy person either, so I find this to be somewhat strange that I hold so much in, but at the same time, I don’t find this to be at all surprising. I could go out and talk just about anyone’s ear off. I could turn a 30 second story into 3 hours. Remember that one time….. oh brother, don’t get me started. And especially don’t get my started on my crazy dreams…. those make no sense and will take me DAYS to try to explain. My mom says sometimes I talk just to hear myself talk.

But I am definitely NOT one of those people who can think and talk at the same time. It’s one or the other. It’s not very calculated. This is why I like to write.

I feel like I could write something and have someone read it (or maybe not) but i’m not seeing their immediate reaction. I also feel like, what happens if I show emotion when I speak? How will others react? I don’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable if I tell a story and start bawling my eyes out, or freak someone out with my crazy hyper excitedness. I have learned that some things take time to process, and that sometimes you need to have that little bit of hindsight, and that sometimes you have to just let things sink in.

In writing, I give myself the opportunity to think before I put down my words (well- most of the time at least). I weigh the words in my head. I like words. I like the way that some words work with other words, I like repetition. I like adjectives. I like how I can go back and edit my words that I write- so that I can make sure that I am describing something the right way.

But, what’s right? Why do I have to be right? Why do I get so worried and so caught up in being wrong, in making mistakes? I am going to make mistakes. I have to accept that. It’s the fear of having others be disappointed in me that makes me afraid of being wrong.

I have come to the realization that this need for control issue that I have, this irrational fear of having to be good enough before I can be accepted has been the main barrier that has been blocking me from being fully able to trust. And if I can’t trust others, how in the world can I trust myself? And if I can’t trust myself, how can I love myself and how can I believe in myself? How could I ever believe that I am truly loved? How could I believe in God’s love for me? I sometimes feel like I’m not good enough for God to truly love ME.

I felt like I was constantly a work in process. I felt as if I was constantly climbing and climbing and climbing and fighting. For so many years I have been struggling. I haven’t loved myself at all. I have tried. I have come close. I feel like I am soooo close, like my fingertips are reaching out toward this light that always seems just out of reach.

Sometimes I feel as if I am just drowning in this self doubt. I can’t control what others think of me and that bothers me. I just want people to like me. I want people to be like, “oh yea- I know Kaitlin, she is so sweet, pretty, nice, etc….” But sometimes I feel as if I don’t fit in anywhere. It’s this uneasy feeling that I have to keep fighting to be smart enough, pretty enough, cheerful enough, stylish enough, preppy enough, likable enough, skinny enough, good enough. ENOUGH. enough is enough.

It isn’t about ME. It’s not. It’s not about me or my flaws or the way I judge myself or the way others will judge me. It’s about Him. It’s about God. God is the one that will judge me when it is my turn to be judged. God KNOWS that I have flaws. He knows that I am not perfect. And he knows that that is OKAY. Last night I had a great talk with a wonderful person and friend named Quinn who works for FCA and is just so spiritually sound and approachable. She asked to hear my story after reading my last blog. I am so so thankful that she took the time out of her day to meet with me. She is amazing and she reminded me of this verse, and since I am very new to the bible, I had never heard it before. “For it is by grace you have been saved through faith — and this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God — not the result of good works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:8-10. This verse has stuck with me. I have been saved, and not because of anything that I have done. This was God’s plan. She reminded me that Jesus said to his followers to drop everything and to come as they are. Flaws and all, to step away from their own lives and burdens and follow Jesus, who in return promised them salvation. He said to put his trust in him and that things would be ok. Until today, this never made sense to me. How could people just let go like that? What about their responsibilities? How? But- it makes sense to me now.

Jesus did not wait for his apostles to be good enough before they would be allowed to follow Him. They followed him whole-heartedly. They dropped everything and went. They then became good enough. They were more than enough. They then were able to share the Good News that the Lord had to offer through what Jesus was teaching.

So why should I expect so much more of myself? Jesus has asked me to follow him, even though i’ve struggled, and even though i’ve messed up.

Quinn lent me her copy of JD Greear’s book, “Gospel.” If it weren’t for schoolwork and babysitting I probably wouldn’t put the book down. I’ve only just begun to delve into the first chapter and i’ve shed some serious happy/eye opening tears over the first few pages! I like how JD’s message is just jumping out at me.

An excerpt that really jumped out at me the most is this “Have you ever looked at your life and thought ‘Why am I still so impatient? How could I really be saved and still have such a problem with self-control?’ I certainly have. If anything, the more I’ve walked with Jesus, the more aware i’ve become of my sinfulness. Jesus, however, did not tell me to ‘abide’ in my fruitfulness. He told me to abide in Him– in His acceptance of me, given to me freely as a gift.” (JD Greear p. 13-14) Later on p. 14 he also states “You concentrate on Jesus. You rest in His love and acceptance, given not to you because of what you have earned, but because of what He has earned for you.”

WOW. just. wow. How amazing is that. How eye opening is that. And how amazing is that to hear this message at this point in my journey. It’s comforting, and so calming to feel this change in my heart. I can’t lie and say that it’s not a little scary as well, but we all have fear, right?

So, in writing this tonight, I guess I am writing to say that I accept that enough is enough because I AM good enough, because God loves me first. GOD is enough! I just need to let go. Because, like Quinn reminded me, I can’t do this on my own. I give up on trying to do things on my own. I give up on my foolish pride. I give up. I’m LETTING GO.

All of this being said, I want to share the Tenth Avenue North song
“Let It Go” http://youtu.be/wGT64oRO3gQ (appropriate, right?)

I’ve been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles they’ve gone white
From fighting for who I want to be
I’m just trying to find security

But you say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go

Well it’s hard enough to hear
Harder still to move beyond this fear
We know there’s nothing I can bring
So tell me what do you want from me

You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go
You say let it go
Oh…

What do I love
What do I hate
What will I lose
What will I gain
How do I save my soul, oh
What if I bend
What if I break
What will it cost
What will it take
For You to save my soul, oh

You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul

You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go
You say let it go

I want to thank my everyone who continues to support me as I continue on my path to being me as I begin to realize that the way to that pure joy is through my Savior. So… thank you Quinn- who reached out to me and took time out of her busy schedule to meet with me, who wanted to hear my story – she’s truly opened my eyes and I can’t thank her enough, and I can’t say enough good things about how truly wonderful she is. And to Sandy, Elizabeth Ledford, Rob Shields, and all of FCA and all of those on the FCA retreat and everyone who shared our little room at camp dixie (Stephanie, Alex, Emma, Ashley & Whitney). Thanks to Cameron who was an amazing huddle leader and who told me the verse “Exodus 14:14” which has been on my heart everyday since then and to all of Huddle 10 for supporting me on that wonderful retreat weekend and to Kayla, Anna, LB, and Laura for listening to my rants that night.To my bestest friend Ashley G who texted me relentlessly over and over for the past 2 years until I finally got my butt to church and to cru and then to FCA and who I can honestly say kickstarted this journey for me more than she will ever realize in this lifetime, I owe so much to that girl. Thanks to my other bestest friend Ashley D who just “gets me” and who keeps me laughing and grounded and who reminds me that I can just be my crazy silly self and that people will still love me despite my weirdness/uniqueness, and to Logan and Laura Kay for putting up with me last year in 2210. To Whitney W for her great insight and advice and ability to offer different perspectives on situations from angles I didn’t even consider, to my wonderful roommate Melissa for all of our vent/chit chat sessions and for helping to motivate me no matter what, and especially to my parents who over the years have turned into much much more than just parents and role models, but to the people that I know I can tell anything to and who will still love me- my parents are truly the absolute best parents ever and I am so blessed to call them mine, and then there are my siblings Hillary, Janelle, Collin- who even though they each know exactly which buttons to push that will set me to tears or fury also know more about me than I know about myself, and who will always remind me when I don’t match or when i’m getting too out of hand. To my grandpa, who passed down to me the love for writing after his own amazing journey as an author and story-teller himself and to my Grandma who “appreciates the importance of pearls and cashmere”. To Meem, who tells me that no matter what that things will work out, and to my cousin- not-so-baby-anymore-Nate, who through his 4-year-old wisdom allows me to tap into my own imagination which had been very dust-covered as I became overly distracted with school and other stressors and who is never without hugs or honesty. And to the rest of my family, friends, classmates, MCGs, camp family, etc. Thank you to everyone who is supporting me on my journey to be me.