Letting Go

So, I feel as if sometimes when I talk I detach myself from my words. I ramble. I get caught up in details because the big picture seems just so, well, big.

In the past few years I have become accustomed to just “going through the motions.” I had to do what I had to do to get by, to advance. I merely told stories by stating the facts, removing myself from any emotion that those facts may hold.

But facts DO hold emotion. I come back at the end of my days and I think about how many emotions I held in, and by that time my brain has become so tangled up that I am unsure of how to process and unravel the emotions that have occurred on a particular day. I am not a shy person either, so I find this to be somewhat strange that I hold so much in, but at the same time, I don’t find this to be at all surprising. I could go out and talk just about anyone’s ear off. I could turn a 30 second story into 3 hours. Remember that one time….. oh brother, don’t get me started. And especially don’t get my started on my crazy dreams…. those make no sense and will take me DAYS to try to explain. My mom says sometimes I talk just to hear myself talk.

But I am definitely NOT one of those people who can think and talk at the same time. It’s one or the other. It’s not very calculated. This is why I like to write.

I feel like I could write something and have someone read it (or maybe not) but i’m not seeing their immediate reaction. I also feel like, what happens if I show emotion when I speak? How will others react? I don’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable if I tell a story and start bawling my eyes out, or freak someone out with my crazy hyper excitedness. I have learned that some things take time to process, and that sometimes you need to have that little bit of hindsight, and that sometimes you have to just let things sink in.

In writing, I give myself the opportunity to think before I put down my words (well- most of the time at least). I weigh the words in my head. I like words. I like the way that some words work with other words, I like repetition. I like adjectives. I like how I can go back and edit my words that I write- so that I can make sure that I am describing something the right way.

But, what’s right? Why do I have to be right? Why do I get so worried and so caught up in being wrong, in making mistakes? I am going to make mistakes. I have to accept that. It’s the fear of having others be disappointed in me that makes me afraid of being wrong.

I have come to the realization that this need for control issue that I have, this irrational fear of having to be good enough before I can be accepted has been the main barrier that has been blocking me from being fully able to trust. And if I can’t trust others, how in the world can I trust myself? And if I can’t trust myself, how can I love myself and how can I believe in myself? How could I ever believe that I am truly loved? How could I believe in God’s love for me? I sometimes feel like I’m not good enough for God to truly love ME.

I felt like I was constantly a work in process. I felt as if I was constantly climbing and climbing and climbing and fighting. For so many years I have been struggling. I haven’t loved myself at all. I have tried. I have come close. I feel like I am soooo close, like my fingertips are reaching out toward this light that always seems just out of reach.

Sometimes I feel as if I am just drowning in this self doubt. I can’t control what others think of me and that bothers me. I just want people to like me. I want people to be like, “oh yea- I know Kaitlin, she is so sweet, pretty, nice, etc….” But sometimes I feel as if I don’t fit in anywhere. It’s this uneasy feeling that I have to keep fighting to be smart enough, pretty enough, cheerful enough, stylish enough, preppy enough, likable enough, skinny enough, good enough. ENOUGH. enough is enough.

It isn’t about ME. It’s not. It’s not about me or my flaws or the way I judge myself or the way others will judge me. It’s about Him. It’s about God. God is the one that will judge me when it is my turn to be judged. God KNOWS that I have flaws. He knows that I am not perfect. And he knows that that is OKAY. Last night I had a great talk with a wonderful person and friend named Quinn who works for FCA and is just so spiritually sound and approachable. She asked to hear my story after reading my last blog. I am so so thankful that she took the time out of her day to meet with me. She is amazing and she reminded me of this verse, and since I am very new to the bible, I had never heard it before. “For it is by grace you have been saved through faith — and this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God — not the result of good works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:8-10. This verse has stuck with me. I have been saved, and not because of anything that I have done. This was God’s plan. She reminded me that Jesus said to his followers to drop everything and to come as they are. Flaws and all, to step away from their own lives and burdens and follow Jesus, who in return promised them salvation. He said to put his trust in him and that things would be ok. Until today, this never made sense to me. How could people just let go like that? What about their responsibilities? How? But- it makes sense to me now.

Jesus did not wait for his apostles to be good enough before they would be allowed to follow Him. They followed him whole-heartedly. They dropped everything and went. They then became good enough. They were more than enough. They then were able to share the Good News that the Lord had to offer through what Jesus was teaching.

So why should I expect so much more of myself? Jesus has asked me to follow him, even though i’ve struggled, and even though i’ve messed up.

Quinn lent me her copy of JD Greear’s book, “Gospel.” If it weren’t for schoolwork and babysitting I probably wouldn’t put the book down. I’ve only just begun to delve into the first chapter and i’ve shed some serious happy/eye opening tears over the first few pages! I like how JD’s message is just jumping out at me.

An excerpt that really jumped out at me the most is this “Have you ever looked at your life and thought ‘Why am I still so impatient? How could I really be saved and still have such a problem with self-control?’ I certainly have. If anything, the more I’ve walked with Jesus, the more aware i’ve become of my sinfulness. Jesus, however, did not tell me to ‘abide’ in my fruitfulness. He told me to abide in Him– in His acceptance of me, given to me freely as a gift.” (JD Greear p. 13-14) Later on p. 14 he also states “You concentrate on Jesus. You rest in His love and acceptance, given not to you because of what you have earned, but because of what He has earned for you.”

WOW. just. wow. How amazing is that. How eye opening is that. And how amazing is that to hear this message at this point in my journey. It’s comforting, and so calming to feel this change in my heart. I can’t lie and say that it’s not a little scary as well, but we all have fear, right?

So, in writing this tonight, I guess I am writing to say that I accept that enough is enough because I AM good enough, because God loves me first. GOD is enough! I just need to let go. Because, like Quinn reminded me, I can’t do this on my own. I give up on trying to do things on my own. I give up on my foolish pride. I give up. I’m LETTING GO.

All of this being said, I want to share the Tenth Avenue North song
“Let It Go” http://youtu.be/wGT64oRO3gQ (appropriate, right?)

I’ve been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles they’ve gone white
From fighting for who I want to be
I’m just trying to find security

But you say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go

Well it’s hard enough to hear
Harder still to move beyond this fear
We know there’s nothing I can bring
So tell me what do you want from me

You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go
You say let it go
Oh…

What do I love
What do I hate
What will I lose
What will I gain
How do I save my soul, oh
What if I bend
What if I break
What will it cost
What will it take
For You to save my soul, oh

You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul

You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go
You say let it go

I want to thank my everyone who continues to support me as I continue on my path to being me as I begin to realize that the way to that pure joy is through my Savior. So… thank you Quinn- who reached out to me and took time out of her busy schedule to meet with me, who wanted to hear my story – she’s truly opened my eyes and I can’t thank her enough, and I can’t say enough good things about how truly wonderful she is. And to Sandy, Elizabeth Ledford, Rob Shields, and all of FCA and all of those on the FCA retreat and everyone who shared our little room at camp dixie (Stephanie, Alex, Emma, Ashley & Whitney). Thanks to Cameron who was an amazing huddle leader and who told me the verse “Exodus 14:14” which has been on my heart everyday since then and to all of Huddle 10 for supporting me on that wonderful retreat weekend and to Kayla, Anna, LB, and Laura for listening to my rants that night.To my bestest friend Ashley G who texted me relentlessly over and over for the past 2 years until I finally got my butt to church and to cru and then to FCA and who I can honestly say kickstarted this journey for me more than she will ever realize in this lifetime, I owe so much to that girl. Thanks to my other bestest friend Ashley D who just “gets me” and who keeps me laughing and grounded and who reminds me that I can just be my crazy silly self and that people will still love me despite my weirdness/uniqueness, and to Logan and Laura Kay for putting up with me last year in 2210. To Whitney W for her great insight and advice and ability to offer different perspectives on situations from angles I didn’t even consider, to my wonderful roommate Melissa for all of our vent/chit chat sessions and for helping to motivate me no matter what, and especially to my parents who over the years have turned into much much more than just parents and role models, but to the people that I know I can tell anything to and who will still love me- my parents are truly the absolute best parents ever and I am so blessed to call them mine, and then there are my siblings Hillary, Janelle, Collin- who even though they each know exactly which buttons to push that will set me to tears or fury also know more about me than I know about myself, and who will always remind me when I don’t match or when i’m getting too out of hand. To my grandpa, who passed down to me the love for writing after his own amazing journey as an author and story-teller himself and to my Grandma who “appreciates the importance of pearls and cashmere”. To Meem, who tells me that no matter what that things will work out, and to my cousin- not-so-baby-anymore-Nate, who through his 4-year-old wisdom allows me to tap into my own imagination which had been very dust-covered as I became overly distracted with school and other stressors and who is never without hugs or honesty. And to the rest of my family, friends, classmates, MCGs, camp family, etc. Thank you to everyone who is supporting me on my journey to be me.

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Exodus 14:14

So, a kind of unsaid “new years resolution” for me has been to strengthen my relationship with God through gaining a better understanding of Jesus Christ and his teachings.

In recent years, religion has just been a difficult topic for me. I was raised Catholic. My parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles are all Catholic. I was baptized at just a few months old. I got to hold the candle in the front of church when my little brother was baptized. I went through first communion and first reconciliation in second grade. I played soccer for the Catholic church. I went to a catholic school for pre-K, and then again for 7th and 8th grade. In 8th grade I went through confirmation, and then in 9th and 10th grade I assisted as a confirmation table leader.

Thanks to my parents and my family, I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. I know right from wrong, and I stand firm to my morals. I don’t seek trouble, in fact, the though of being “in trouble” is terrifying to me. My family has always said grace before meals. I knew that being nice and being honest would get me farther than lies and being nasty.

However, I found it hard to be fully connected. I never really grasped the fact that you have to work on a relationship to sustain it, or that you have to do the work involved to get the outcome that you want. I struggled with this big time, and I still am struggling with this. I get lazy. I have the roots planted for a great foundation and relationship with Christ. But somehow, I feel as if my growth was stunted long ago.

I don’t know if this is because I felt confined in my Catholicism, or if I was overwhelmed with being that Catholic girl living in the bible belt (I have been asked if I have been “saved” more times than I can count, and each time, I just get confused and laugh… yes?) I felt terrified of my sins, not that I had done anything terrible, but mainly, I just felt that I didn’t do anything that was really THAT good. I didn’t necessarily ever believe that by confessing my sins to a priest would ever absolve me.

As a child- I remember saying my prayers before I went to bed. I remember just KNOWING that Jesus loved me, that I had angels watching over me, etc. I felt so safe in this fact when I was young. So safe, that I still remember vividly, when I truly felt God’s love around me.
I had this habit when I was 4-5 years old of jumping off of my top bunk onto a bean bag chair on the floor below. It was a game to me, I was a fearless little kid. It wasn’t really even jumping, it was more soaring/belly flopping. It was soooo much fun. But this one time I climbed the ladder to the top bunk and leaped off, and instantly realized that the beanbag I was aiming for was too far away and I was about to bust face HARD, probably breaking at least one bone. But instead of panicking, I remember turning my head to the right, gazing over at my dresser and focused in on this little elephant lamp that I used to have. I swear to you, time froze. It was for maybe 0.0001 of a second, but time stopped, and when it restarted, I kind of floated downward, as if I was being placed lightly onto my beanbag. It was like someone had a grip on the back of my shirt and moved the beanbag so I would have a gentle landing. I never saw a great flash of light, I didn’t really even know what happened, because I was only 4. But someone was looking out for me.
I have had other instances too, like 3 months after getting my license and not realizing that you’re supposed to yield while turning left on a green light and letting out a scream as I realizing that a car was speeding right at me, and I pressed my foot to the ground and gunned it through the intersection. I swear I missing a collision by inches, but I felt my car glide through, as if it were being pushed by some other force driving it. Again, I felt so thankful for being safe.

But I haven’t been thankful enough. As I said. I have been lazy. I never owned a bible growing up. I wasn’t familiar with how to read a Bible, I wasn’t familiar with the books, the readings, and His word. I only half listened to the gospels in mass, but I never really got it. I just knew the main stories, like the Christmas story, and the story of how Jesus was persecuted under Pontius Pilate.

In middle school my life changed. I became a selfish girl. It started when I went to the public middle school, Southwest. I was supposed to have been placed in the honors class, where a lot of the kids that I went to elementary school with along with a lot of the kids from my neighborhood. But that class filled up, and I was quickly exposed to a class whose teachers thought that we weren’t as bright or as worthy as other students. All around me girls were getting boyfriends, talking about how much they wanted to get their periods and have sex. And they were 11! I felt so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and my body at that time. I started my period when I had just turned 10, right at the beginning of 5th grade. My body was more developed than most of the other girls my age, and while I was still small and petite, I just felt awkward and ugly and overexposed to these girls who were showing their bodies off when I knew they were WAY too young. I even remember a girl who sat in front of me in class cutting herself daily. One time she showed me how she carved the word “boys” into her arm. I am still haunted by that image. I remember being bullied for being a “goody two shoes.” In band, I remember crying because these girls were picking on me, I don’t even remember why. Eventually I started lying to my family and those around me, living in my own story land in order to get ANY sort of attention. I stopped enjoying going outside, I found chatting on the computer to be more fun, at the time. I regret that now. I went through 4 different teachers that year in 6th grade. That year my relationship with my siblings also started to change. I had once been extremely close to my middle sister, Hillary, but I started to shut her out, getting annoyed with everything that her and my younger sister, Janelle did. Even my little brother didn’t seem to like me, and I seemed to always be getting yelled at for having an attitude. I was completely miserable. This is when the hatred for my body started, and I began shutting out others in order to attempt to control my body. I loved food, but i loved control. The eating disorder started slowly… more of an attempt to fill a void. It was very subtle for a long time.

In 7th and 8th grade my parents switched me to the Catholic school. It wasn’t a great experience, but It wasn’t as bad as Southwest, I admit. I could be myself more, I could be goofy. But even though I was at a catholic school, I had no motivation for school or for learning or for friends. I just wanted to get to high school.

Then I got to high school. I had my friends. I wasn’t “popular” but i wasn’t unpopular. I was just kind of there. I was still trying to figure out my body and how to dress and accessorize it. Pinterest wasn’t around back then, and being the oldest of my siblings and overall just clueless, I feel like I tried to be stylish but didn’t always “get it.” I felt as if I could just figure out how to make my hair look right, if I could have that perfect relationship with a boyfriend, if I could have those giggly girl-talk sleepovers, that I would be happy. I joined chorus, and since I wasn’t athletic (looking back, I probably could have been, i was just too terrified to try out for cheerleading or soccer) I decided to be a basketball manager in order to get out of school early. I then became a student athletic trainer, and I loved that, but even then, I lacked motivation. I still had this battle going on with myself, coupled with silly high school dramas and fears. I didn’t care about going to church. I didn’t even THINK about God that much during high school, other than helping with confirmation during 9th and 10th grade. My struggles with my body image was there, and my friends knew about it, however, I remained in control of my weight and was able to keep it a secret from my family.

I came to college very sheltered, but at the same time, I felt like “this could FINALLY be my chance. I could finally  have that group of girls like on the movies. I could finally fit in.” But I tried too hard. I threw myself into so many clubs and tried to hang out with people, drink, go to parties, as well as go to Catholic Campus Ministries. The pressures of everything was getting to be too much. I ended up quickly losing 10lbs my first semester of college. Then I started passing out all the time, and ended up in the hospital during exam week my freshman year. And I lied to everyone, saying that I didn’t know WHAT the problem was. I returned to school the next semester feeling more defeated than ever, and though I started seeing a therapist, I still felt as if I had already messed everything up too much. I felt as if I was already a lost cause. Finally my sophomore year of college my parents found out what was going on and gave me a 4 day warning to pack my bags and come home.

I went home and worked first at a bookstore for a year and then at Holy Angels, a residential facility for individuals with severe and profound disabilities for a year, and finally I decided that I needed to get back to school. That was my goal. I just had to get back. I cared about getting a career, about meeting friends again, and about hopefully maybe finding a boyfriend.

I have been back at Meredith College for almost 2 years now. I had to repeat my sophomore year last year. I met some really great girls right off the bat and was lucky to feel as if I FINALLY belonged. I was more motivated with school my grades.

Finally, this past year I finally let my guard down. I started to open up and show more of who I am, and the honesty was freeing. I didn’t have to hide behind this mask anymore. I found that people loved me for me. Now I just needed to work on fully loving myself. But how do I do that?

A good friend of mine has begged me over and over and over countless times for over a year to come to church with her. And over and over and over I have avoided it. I was terrified of going to a different church, not because I was scared of it not being Catholic, but because I just wasn’t sure my heart was ready. I believe that Church is church. You can have church in a canoe if you really wanted. I also believe that the love of Christ comes from within. I believe that church is wonderful, but I don’t believe that I am going to be condemned to hell for not going.

My good friend never gave up on me, she texted me every week inviting me to church among other things. She even bought me my own bible and got my name embossed in it along with a daily devotional, Jesus calling. It was amazing! She recently started going to FCA (fellowship of christian athletes) and after some slight begging, she got me to join her. I also joined her in going to a non-denominational church for the first time as well. I was really worried with FCA because I am not an athlete, but I quickly learned that that wasn’t the point. I went on the FCA retreat and my eyes were opened to so many positive people around me who were all actively sharing and believing in the love that God has for us. It was such a cool thing to be apart of, and to witness people truly believing, not just going through the motions.

I don’t think i am not going to give up on my catholic roots. I was born catholic, my family is catholic, and much the history of christianity is deeply rooted on the catholic foundation and has branched off from there.  But I have found that this is an individual journey. This is about me and Him. I don’t have to be so confined. Right?

In last week’s FCA meeting with NC State (meeting in the second story of the Cameron Village Chick-Fil-A) they said “you can’t achieve a horizontal love with another person until you focus on that vertical relationship.” That has stuck with me so much, along with this verse read aloud by my Huddle Leader, Cameron, at the FCA retreat. Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still.”

I realize that since middle school I have been fighting with myself. I have constantly been battling with being unsure whether or not I will ever be happy, find a job, find a boyfriend, be pretty enough, smart enough, good enough. I have come to the realization that i AM enough. Because God loves me. Jesus died on a cross for my sins. So how could my sins be so great that I couldn’t be forgiven? How could my time of laziness and lack of motivation be ignored?

“The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still.” –Yesterday it snowed here in Raleigh. We got about 1/4 of an inch, the ground was too warm for much to stick, even though the snow fell in big, fat flurries the whole day long. I decided to go for a walk. I layered up, two pairs of socks, leggings under leggings, t-shirt, sweatshirt, scarf, northface, hat, and those cool touch-tech gloves that allowed me to use my camera and iphone easily. I went down to Meredith College’s amphitheater and was completely by myself. I stood on a bridge as snow fell all around. I stood there for a long time, watching the geese and feeling the snowflakes melt on my face.

I know that God loves me. He created me. He created all of these beautiful things around me. I can’t let myself be distracted with feeling like i’m not good enough. I know that it is still going to be a battle, but I now know that I’m not fighting it alone.